Monday, May 30, 2011

Zig Zag's

So I just got back from a bar in Seattle, if that is its real name; more like a library with drunk people in it. If I had a hammer to throw at each hipster douchebag in the place, I could hold a barn raising with a single nail for each one. The full name of the place is Zig Zags Cafe.

CAFE.

By the time I left it was a miracle that a re-enactment of the battle of sterling, live from Pike Place Market wasnt happening on the news. The streets would have run red with blood, broken iPads, and irony. because for some reason, irony is a trend for faggots now instead of just a word for when something weird happens.

In the 29 years of my existance, never did i think i would wake up and imagine i'd spend any part of that day listening to an argument about the best organic lettuce. but there i was, seeing two pencil necked goatees verbally slap fighting about the most efficient way to keep their vitamin count high and their colon spring time fresh.

The urge was strong to drive an armored humvee through the wall and grab the nearest female, stuff my cock down her throat and start firing off a 357 from each hand, all the while screaming the lyrics from Pantera's "Cowboys From Hell", and i'm not even a republican. the whole scene could not have been more gay if Justin Bieber had walked in with a fucking popsicle in his hand.
anyway, thats my story and i'm sticking to it, like a money shot sticks to Hugh Laurie's steering wheel after getting road head from Shia Lafaggot.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Return of the Jedi

They lost, get over it.

Theres a scene during the assault on the death star that paints a very different picture than the accepted version that the rebels won against the empire. it happens just after the Death Star blows the shit out of one of the rebel fleet's ships. Lando tells Fish face they need to attack the star destroyers because they'll last longer than they would against the death star. so later on, they blow up the death star, and everyone is happy.

uh, hang on a second there buddy. there was like 30 fucking star destroyers out there, and you only took out 3 or 4. Also, by the time the Death Star is gone, there are less than a half dozen fighters left for the rebels. yeah the death star is gone, but you have no defense against the remaining empire ships. do you think they'd just give up after that? fuck no they wouldnt. their evil bosses that abused them their entire careers are dead, and now its time to find out who the new commander is.

So youve got 25ish star destroyers with hundreds of TIE fighters, looking at a pathetic rebel fleet sitting there celebrating because they killed the Bin Laden of space. laughing RIGHT IN THEIR FACES. add another 3 minutes onto that movie and you'd have the flaming pieces of every rebel spaceship screaming through the atmosphere and landing on Ewoks.

as for anyone still alive down on Endor? do you really think theyre going to escape in their little landing crafts? fuck no. the new commander in chief of the Empire is going to bomb the fucking shit out of them until the only thing left is the bad memories of Skywalker incest. And with all the hardcore fanatic rebels dead, the Empire is now free to absolutely dominate the galaxy, and have as many green, tentacle headed prostitutes born into slavery as they want. Way to restore freedom to the universe, you stupid assholes.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Manliness and Movies: Part deux

Fighting. It happens. To the nightowl brethren it generally is caused by, popped collar douchebags, scip scaps ( during the rare occasions, that bitch ass scip scaps are found at the bar) or the occasional dumb bitch.

To expound on the dumb bitch. Only with douchebags, who sense of honor, is directly attached to his dumb bitch at the bar. She talks shit, and expects him to back her up, instead of finding out that, she drank 4 wine coolers and is completely out of control.

So how do we see fights in the movies at bars. Amazing choreographed sequences, where people are getting thrown, one punch knock outs, and the good guy just kicking ass. The saddest sequence I ever see, mostly from the 80's, the guy getting dragged across the bar, spilling gallons of precious liquids. Truly not a nightowl moment. I have to ask myself, what does that do, it doesn't look that painful, and would tire you out way more than it's worth.

That never happens, first off. No one is that sober to execute such techniques. Generally if you can get a few punches before you grab at each other like two crippled retardo gimpy baboons and rolling on the ground before 30 people pull you off of each other before the steroid eating, gym loving, patrick swayze idolizing, MMA wannabes, also known as bouncers throw you out of the bar/ club.

Then your out on the street before you can remember what was just going on.

So how does this post relate to the movies?

It referenced roadhouse.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Manliness and Movies: Part 1, Gambling

Being a Man is defined as many things; Drinking, Fighting, Gambling, Sports, Slaying Poon, War and taking these ideas beyond the limits.

And thus movies have been portraying these ideas, polishing them up. Turning them into something it's not. Faggotry.

So folks let's get down to the nitty gritty with my favorite example of reality man, Spoon. And comparing all movies to the prince of pathetic, the lord of degeneracy, the emperor of embarrassment and the King of Regret. Spoon, is the highest level of gambling degeneracy that one can attain. So let's compare this to the movie "Rounders."

"Rounders" takes two faggots who make gambling easy cool and smooth. Matt Damon is damn near telepathic with how is able to read people and how suave and effortlessly he takes their money. Every place is this nice area where rich people are having theses poker games and he gets into these games, and make out like a bandit. Hooray, for Damon, for the most unrealistic portrayal of gambling.

Norton plays somewhat believable character.... when on paper, but after watching. It's the same bullshit as Damon. Here is a man who has been in prison and all he can think about is gambling? I'm sorry, if I'm in prison, the last thing I'm concerned with is getting dealt pocket rockets. My main concern is getting dealt pocket rockets from two large inmates who have life with no parole. More likely you should be protecting your skinny white ass Norton, from Tyrone and Jerome, before they bust your man cherry like a child's balloon hitting the wood chipper.

James Bond, fuck you. 21 is never that easy, especially while drinking. The reality of it, you would bust, the table would be pissed at you for playing like an asshole. I would punch you in your Queen loving stupid face you proper talking fuck, because you are a twat.

The only gambler in movies i do really like, is Franky Four Fingers. What a dirty Spoon like gambler. Just the thought of being able to throw down a bet, sends him in to waves of enjoyment, much like a little fat kid getting ice cream. It's over the top fantasizing, which is the reality of it. Every gambler thinks that they are going to win shit tons of money, women will be all over them and it will be the best night ever. When in reality you can lose it all, and more than just money. Because the people that are having these high money games are not your political elite. It's con men and crooks, because it is a dishonest game, made for real dishonest people. Men.