DMV People

I usually only remember the Airport people that i want to punch out, but I'd never been in a crowded DMV before. now i understand why everyone hates it so much.

1. Businessman
A carryover from airport people, businessman might be following me around just to screw with me. But at the DMV he is out of his element. at the airport he can breeze through the line with first class tickets, show off his brooks brothers trenchcoat to others who can afford to fly, and scoff as they walk by him on their way to coach. At the DMV however, he is just another piece of shit like everyone else. he will be scowling at the concept of waiting in line, listening to that crying baby or rampaging uncontrolled toddler, and sitting in a wobbly plastic chair like a common serf. what a soul crushing inconvenience to do something at the pace of normal people. welcome to my realm, businessman, I hope you wait all fucking day.

2. Housewife
Hasnt been out of the home in months. She wears sweatpants, a zip up hoody, and flip flops, in colors that destroy your depth perception, and absolutely does not give a fuck about how her face or hair looks anymore. thats all fine and dandy, but for the love of god shut those god damn kids up and make them sit down before i start showing them magic tricks with my lighter. the noise may as well not exist to her, and after years of dealing with these little bastards, maybe she figures its time for someone else to be tortured. too bad i only have an hour or so with them, you get to go home and listen to it EVERY DAY.

3. Burnout
Burnout is constantly going to the bathroom. wtf hes doing in there is anyones guess, but when he gets out he'll be right back to the front door, waiting for someone to go smoke. like a vulture waiting for a lion to kill something, he'll be on you in seconds. "hey can i bum one of those?" No fuckhead you cannot. by the burn holes in your stained flannel button-down I can tell you arent ready for the responsibility of holding something that can set you on fire.

4. 90% Crippled Old Guy
Not that hes bothering anyone, but if it takes you 15 minutes to walk from your chair to the booths because you cant bend your knees anymore, stop driving. how the hell are you supposed to switch between the gas and brake on time?

5. DMV Employee
DMV Employee does not give a flying shit about anything on earth. he's probably a nihilist, and is the natural enemy of busnessman. he doesnt care how late you are, what restrictions you need on your liscense, or how long youve been waiting. you will stand there while he finishes his game of minesweeper and be god damn happy about it, because if you give him shit, he'll let you know where the line is, and that threatening a state employee is a felony. you could live forever, or die that second, he doesnt give a shit which.* All he wants is for the work day to last until the end of time, so he wont have to go home to get beaten by his wife.

Drunk in Mexico

Ok I'm going to start off by saying I am indeed a slacker for not posting as often as I should and forgetting what the hell happened after the numerous parities Andy and I have thrown in the last couple of years.

Going back to Mexico…….I just have to say that getting drunk in a country that has an exchange rate of 13- to 1 US dollar is not a good idea if you suck at math and you don’t speak the native language.

After Meagan (girl I went with, and can out drink me 9 times out of 10) went shopping on the second day, we proceeded to head to the nearest bar once we stepped foot in the hotel. After several Coronas and a couple of weak ass margaritas (which tasted like they were made with Fanta), we headed to the buffet to carbo-load on what ever Mexican food they could slap in front of us. We some how that it was a bright idea to drink red wine. which I might add that it was given to us for free since we were the only white girls in bikinis in the whole place. the Mexican waiter kept feeding us more wine claiming that he did not understand the word NO. Probably because he wanted to keep near us so he could peer at our skimpy clad bodies. No matter to me, keep feeding me wine and I will be happy. After what I can only imagine was several bottles of wine (which we have no way of telling because it was not on the bill). Some how we got sucked into the karaoke bar, which anyone who knows me I will outright refuse to go to under normal circumstances. I just have to say the Queen (bohemian rhapsody) does not translate well with Mexicans.

after that we navigated out of the bar and towards our hotel rooms. Then we noticed it was still raining and flooding the entire area. unable to navigate the passage back to the room without getting wet, we stumbled (water and marble floors not a good mixture) into the hotel room and were done for the night.

Other than having the worlds shittest margaritas and only good servichi, I have to say the highlight of the trip was the Canopy tour we took on Monday. Combine me and a mule up a mountain with no guide for an hour and you end up with me finding peote and a huge lizard that scared the bejesus out of my mule. Add zip-linning and repelling down a waterfall and that equals a great time. Also I did not know pistachio tequila even existed and I have to say its pretty dam good. You get tons of free shots when you walk into random tequila stores in down town but its such a small amount, its not enough to go big.

Foosball

The seahawks lost to the rams. the FUCKING RAMS. why, in these days when its acceptable to make a knee-jerk benching of a star player because hes fucked up for two games, cant the seahawks sit assholebeck. the bastard has been going downhill since 2007, and gets worse every single week. the mind boggling descisions he makes to heave the ball up under pressure is something that Brett Favre wouldnt do when he was a god damn rookie. enough about that.

Cuban's Dolphins play tommorow night, and i'd expect a thorough ass whipping at the hands of the patriots, except that theyre slipping into mediocrity faster than Eddie Murphey in the 90's. So if Miami wins, expect to see Randy Moss on the commisioner's blotter for picking up a drag queen prostitute and snorting heroin off its balls in his limo.

I was going to watch the eagles/redskins game, but Joe Buck was covering it. and by covering, i mean slurping McNabb's pecker like he was going to get a liquid gold money shot.

Also, I fucking hate Eli Manning and the Giants. Were finding out what kind of QB he is without a bad ass defense. I wouldnt trade a one legged Hasselbeck for that fucking Glamour monger.

Seahawks / Broncos

Fez...it is now on.
since nobody else cares about either team i'll keep it short. Picture Tinkerbell (seahawks).

Now picture Robocop (broncos) fist fucking tink up the ass for 60 minutes with his giant metal hand. thats pretty much the game summary.

Are you a moron?

To no ones surprise the Eagles have been looking better with Vick at the helm as opposed to Kevin Kolb. Our offensive line is as good at "protection" as the United States is at keep classified documents from Afghanistan classified...with that said why the HELL would anyone put a quarterback back in to start that couldn't maneuver around a twig behind our offensive line?

Some moron on the Eagles facebook page started comparing Eli Manning's performance tonight to Kolb's numerous disappointments and accusing fans of having "zero" football knowledge. Should they have benched Manning? YES but was their alternative better? Obviously not. The Eagles have shown that they will bench their star quarterback if he is playing like Helen Keller and put in something even worse Kevin Kolb. So why the hell is it hard to conceive that Eagles fans want Kolb the fuck out and a veteran like Vick in? First off, Andy Reid can't make a fucking decision to save his over-eating fat fucking life.....so there in lies the fucking problem MORON. Don't fucking start telling people they have no football knowledge jizzbrains. HOW ABOUT KNOWING YOUR FUCKING TEAM AND ITS FANS. FUCK-OFF!

No it does not equal

I can accept that people dont want to be seen with with certain drinks outside a closely knit group of people. its entirely acceptable that you dont want to carry around a half finished bottle of T-bird in public, or walk into a house party with a 30 pack of natural light ice. These are reasonable ways of avoiding ridicule simply for the reason of avoiding it.

But these motherfuckers, we probbaly all know at least one, that will give a person shit for drinking usual and proper cheap beer and liquor, need to be pushed into the DC beltway to have their brains splattered on the windshields of uncaring drinkers who will go big no matter the flavor.

I dont give a shit if the beer youre drinking is so dark that it can absorb a fucking laserbeam from an Imperial Star Destroyer, costs $9.50 a bottle, has 7.5 alcohol %, and is only one of 50 cases ever to be made, its just a god damn beer. yes i will continue to drink my american lager that you refer to as pisswater. you know why? because the mud youre drinking also tastes like shit. thats right. If your port is strong enough to choke a maggot, that doesnt mean its the best beer on earth, it means someone spent way too many resources to make a beer thats a micro taste bud difference from the last dumpster puddle someone scraped out of the oil pan.

The only thing an independant brewer accomplishes is to be incredibly inefficient at getting people drunk. If i tried going big by drinking some dreadlocked pothead's microbrew that he cooked up in the basement of the dirtpile he lives under, it would not only take longer, being that each beer is like two courses of andy reid's dinner, it would cost 100 fucking dollars just to reach an ideal, COMFORTABLE buzz. not to mention maintaining and elevating it throughout the night.

Expensive, dark, and rare does not make you a better drinker. holding a bottle of black grasshopper vomit doesnt make you an intellectual. I dont give a 2 stroke fuck if you drink it, just keep your fucking dreamcatcher tattoo and greasy dogshit looking hair away from me while youre informing people of their inadequecies because they saved money and went bigger.

The Lightweight's guide to Going Big

First off, by Lightweight i mean your weight. If youre reading this and are still a lightweight as a drinker, you are also a Scip-Scap, and should be practicing and not reading.

I'm setting the Lightweight bar at 140 lbs. If you fit the bill, here are some tips to make every drink count, and to prevent you from nosediving into the gravel before anyone else has a buzz.
Obviously the first issue is how much to drink. If you think that your body processes alcohol at the general rate of 1 drink per hour, you'd be right...if you werent a Lightweight. Ive found that the LW version of this rule should put you somewhere around the 1:20-1:30 mark.
depending on your tolerance, its a good idea for a lightweight to start slower than others. I say "Start" slower because once youre into it, no logical reasoning is going to slow you down for the rest of the night.

Dont begin your climb up the shitface ladder with shots. The important thing about this is that a shot is the same amount of alcohol compressed into less liquid, which means it will absorb faster, and thusly fuck you up worse than the non LW people with you in the same amount of time. I'm not saying decline shots if thats what the group is doing, but if this is the case, have 1 or 2, and something to eat before or immediately after. Which brings us to:

Food. There are several ways to avoid crashing your party wagon before the race has started. for Marathon type Going Big, the best bet is a big meal about an hour before you start getting lit. As a Lightweight, a big meal can carry you farther than other people. just remember not to start pounding beers as soon as youre done, or you may get full too fast and be forced to wait longer. If done correctly, this option will allow you to remain steady for long periods of time without sacrificing Go Big hours. stamina is key, keep in mind that in these types of nights, youre in it for the long haul.

Hook and Jab. this is the typical superbowl party option. eating and drinking throughout the alotted time. you'll want your drinking pace to be faster than eating, as even though youre a LW, the objective is Going Big, so allow for the alcohol to overtake the food at roughly a 3-1 ratio over long periods.

Emergency: Low Alcohol Supply: Simple, to make those few leftover beers or the bottom of a bottle count, eat light, such as a can of soup. let it settle for 10-15 minutes, and have at it. Obviously this is an unpopular option, since going big is probably not an option.

Movement. Getting your heart rate up even a little bit may drastically improve the potency of the ackahol in your system. get the blood flowing, and hence the alcohol moving around your body. This is much easier with certain types of flavaz such as Goldschlager, Cisco, or most Vodka. there is a reason that these energy producing drinks also produce the most violence and destruction, the distance they take you into the Go-Big cycle has been proven by trial and error.

In closing Lightweights, it is definitely possible to conquer over the trials of Going Big without as much bodily mass. follow these tips, and you'll soon see yourself banana slapping your peers who outweigh you by tens of pounds, but cant control the fine line of Going Big and crashing before the sun goes down.

SYMPTOM

Hey guess what, you have a mental disorder.



If your first thought was "how did he know", you need to shut the fuck up.
your only disorder is being a whining fucking maggot. The theory remains unreleased because I cant turn around without someone being Bi-Polar, depressed, schizophrenic, narcoleptic, or maybe daddy didnt buy them the right god damn swingset when they were a kid.

Ive found that people who suffer from "Symptom" are immune to rational thought and I currently have no way to break through the fake psychosis that prevents them for accepting responsibility for their dumb fucking mistakes. mistakes happen shithead. I got a DUI, i didnt blame anyone. I didnt blame alcohol, my family, or the police for having the law.

Try explaining this to someone who suffers from Symptom (even though "suffers" really only applies to the people around them) they will railroad themselves into a corner filled with "I Cant" and "You dont understand".

youre wrong, i do understand. I understand youre embarassed because you got drunk and puked all over the bar, then stumbled home and pissed your bed. but the reason it happened doesnt extend any father than "you drank too much". But since you want to blame your alcohol intolerance on stress and delusions of childhood hardship, you can go right ahead and fuck yourself. take it like a fucking man and have a laugh. people get shitfaced, say things they shouldnt, do things they regret, look stupid, and make an ass of themselves all the time. get the fuck over yourself and stop pretending youre some kind of suffering genius to alleviate the fleeting shame of doing something stupid.

Feed me Cyanide

On july 8th i left Bremerton for Greybull, Wyoming. It was supposed to be a 4 day trip. At about 2:30 am on the 22nd I made it back home.

Taking my roomate back to WyJammin is about a 14 hour drive. somewhere around 4 hours into the trip, 20 miles from Spokane Washington on interstate 90, the driveline fell out of my truck. And by fell, I mean it dropped out of the front U-Joint, dug itself into the road and polevaulted my fucking chevy two feet into the air, and on the way out managed to destroy the gas tank, and finally rolled across the freeway creating a motocross jump for a scion hatchback.

After gathering the twisted remains of american engineering genius from the road, and waiting about 45 minutes for a good samaritan that never came, I decided that the truck should be pushed toward the nearest town. with my roomate steering i provided the push downhill to the shitfarm down the hill. after maybe 50 yards the truck was moving too fast, and for the next mile or so i rode on the bumper holding the tailgate like marty mcfly going to school on his skateboard.

then the truck started to slow down. minutes later, i'm pushing this god damned S-10 uphill in 90 degree heat, watching the road go by like a route recci from abu ghurayb to ramadi. not too long though, as a gigantic SUV packed with mountain bikers from some granola bar commercial stopped and hooked us up to their tow strap, dragging my sorry ass vehicle into the town. from there i used my contacts (my dad) to get a tow-truck to haul the shit heap to a gateway to hell called Cheney. after assuring me the truck would be ready the next day, the mechanic shop / tow truck business dropped us off at a motel conveniently located 10 feet from the local railroad.

after getting drunk and passing out, we awoke the next morning to the news that the truck would not be ready, and indeed was going to take 4 more days to fix. So my roomate, running out of his epilepsy meds, caught a bus to wyoming, leaving everything he owned in the back of my truck, which was recovering at the Banjo approved auto garage. 4 more days of watching TV, eating the local cuisine of hamburgers smaller than mcdonalds, whacking by bag, and a bottle of Orange Jubilee a night, and at last i get the call that the the truck is ready. So i walk down to the shop, and lo and behold the fucking truck needs another day. Fuckface the scandinavian has either ordered the wrong part, or the hillbillys he ordered it from put the wrong shit in the mail.
one more night.

The next day the truck is ready, I pick it up, and charge across the western plains of fuck you I hate everything at this point. Since I missed the TWO FUCKING DAYS A WEEK the drivers license place is open, i have to stay an extra 5 days in wyoming, doing jack shit. I get the license, and the breathalizer i require to be hooked to my fucking ignition because I went too big and got a DUI in May, and recklessly fire my tired ass back towards Washington like a 50 cal round.

Total damage: $900 for the driveline and gas tank, $270 for the motel (and paying the desk jockey to drive my roomate to the bus station), about $100 for food, smokes and booze, $260 for the ignition lock and drivers license, and about $250 in gas money.

God Damn It.

Drunkfest 2010

March 31st 2010 marked the beginning of the fourth Drunkfest. even though i'm probably the only one participating, it has lived up to the non-existent hype so far. as the hour closes in on the start of Day 3, once again i prove to the world that i am an irresponsible alcoholic and a drain on my community and nation, and am part of the collection of idiots that thinks getting hammered for a week straight is a noteworthy accomplishment.

since Drunkfest is not an annual event, the heralding of future Drunkfests may include death, rejection, and the all time leading cause, involuntarily becoming single.

fuck it

definitely time to go big for days at a time.

Suck my Irish ass!

Okay fuck head I get it! youre irish! SO IS ALMOST EVERYONE ELSE.
just because you have 1/72nd part Irish blood, doesnt mean you own the fucking town. its god damn st. patty's bitch, and youre barely Irish, get the fuck outta my face.

Those of us who actually ARE Irish can agree, we want EVERYBODY in on this! although i cannot vouch for the Guido fucks. sure if you say youre italian thats cool, however showing up at the bar with a fake tan, popped collar(S), and hairgel streaming down your fucking rat chin like Michael Jackson salivating at a daycare playground, you might want to go home, tuck it back into your asshole and fall down backwards, because you can go fuck yourself. as far as i'm concerned the Bros are not welcome.

anyway back on topic. Drunk bitch with 3% Irish heritage, shut the fuck up. the song is not about you, you arent related to the dropkick murpheys bagpipe player, and nobody gives a rats fuck that you just lit the wrong end of a cigarette and made your breath smell like burning plastic.

god damn it have a non scip-scap and/or triflin bitch filled st. patty's, and Gunnamatna!

You Fucking Suck part 2

Pittsburgh Pirates

This has been the most ass fuckingly depressing team in professional sports for close to 2 decades. 17 losing seasons in a row. not 17 years without a championship, playoff win or a playoff GAME...17 years without a team that won more games than it lost.

its not just the players fault either. their part of the blame comes from being a squad of rich tools that will get paid more in one year than most people make in ten whether theyre any good or not. and they arent any good. the owner however, has been cashing in on the fans and generating the largest profit margin in history for any single owner business by fielding these no talent vomit piles, and waiting for them to fail so he can sign the next fringe loser who'll play for the league minimum.

since the people of Pittsburgh continue to take the short bus to the stadium and pay the same prices a winning team does to see this atrocity, no wonder the asshole will never sign free agents worth a shit or develop potential stars.

Good thing they just built that brand new stadium a few years ago. hopefully the bowl has enough flushing power to send this diarrhea chowder all the way to hell.

You Fucking Suck part 1

The worst of their leagues
St. Louis Rams

6 wins in 48 games over the last 3 years, a dead owner, and the quarterback you replaced with Marc Bulger has owned your division and reached the Super Bowl last season. But what a great story Marc Bulger has been...oh wait, nobody knew who the fuck he was in 2003, and after starting the last 7 years, he may as well have never existed.

who needs defense, an offensive line, receivers, draft picks, special teams or a coach with a brain? obviously this team is fighting for re-location; theres no other way to explain a professional franchise sucking so much asshole. Sadly, a few of the players, like Stephen Jackson actually like the city, want to stay there, build a winner, and finish their careers in a place that makes Adam Lambert and Elton John playing gravy tag look sanitary.

On the plus side, if the Rams leave, its another nail in the coffin for St. Louis, and we're one step closer to having a merciful controlled detonation of the entire shithole.

more greatness

Enjoy

MAY 1st

For everyone wondering why I have not made that many post in the past, here is you answer SCHOOL! Fortunately for me my schooling will be complete this spring and I can continue with the ways of a true Nightowl. First order of business get drunk and have a roasted pig in my back yard. For all of you who have not tasted the wonders of a Lazo cooked Cuban pig you my friends have not lived yet! So I am officially inviting every one to fly, drive or ride their way over to Florida on May1st and enjoy the wonder of free food and enough beer for even the most experienced Nightowl to have his fill. I will be making a posting on facebook to announce the event but I figured all the people still in the military need some time to plan a trip and take leave etc. Let me know by mid April so I can make arrangements for airport pickup, and Hotels.