Thursday, December 30, 2010

DMV People

I usually only remember the Airport people that i want to punch out, but I'd never been in a crowded DMV before. now i understand why everyone hates it so much.

1. Businessman
A carryover from airport people, businessman might be following me around just to screw with me. But at the DMV he is out of his element. at the airport he can breeze through the line with first class tickets, show off his brooks brothers trenchcoat to others who can afford to fly, and scoff as they walk by him on their way to coach. At the DMV however, he is just another piece of shit like everyone else. he will be scowling at the concept of waiting in line, listening to that crying baby or rampaging uncontrolled toddler, and sitting in a wobbly plastic chair like a common serf. what a soul crushing inconvenience to do something at the pace of normal people. welcome to my realm, businessman, I hope you wait all fucking day.

2. Housewife
Hasnt been out of the home in months. She wears sweatpants, a zip up hoody, and flip flops, in colors that destroy your depth perception, and absolutely does not give a fuck about how her face or hair looks anymore. thats all fine and dandy, but for the love of god shut those god damn kids up and make them sit down before i start showing them magic tricks with my lighter. the noise may as well not exist to her, and after years of dealing with these little bastards, maybe she figures its time for someone else to be tortured. too bad i only have an hour or so with them, you get to go home and listen to it EVERY DAY.

3. Burnout
Burnout is constantly going to the bathroom. wtf hes doing in there is anyones guess, but when he gets out he'll be right back to the front door, waiting for someone to go smoke. like a vulture waiting for a lion to kill something, he'll be on you in seconds. "hey can i bum one of those?" No fuckhead you cannot. by the burn holes in your stained flannel button-down I can tell you arent ready for the responsibility of holding something that can set you on fire.

4. 90% Crippled Old Guy
Not that hes bothering anyone, but if it takes you 15 minutes to walk from your chair to the booths because you cant bend your knees anymore, stop driving. how the hell are you supposed to switch between the gas and brake on time?

5. DMV Employee
DMV Employee does not give a flying shit about anything on earth. he's probably a nihilist, and is the natural enemy of busnessman. he doesnt care how late you are, what restrictions you need on your liscense, or how long youve been waiting. you will stand there while he finishes his game of minesweeper and be god damn happy about it, because if you give him shit, he'll let you know where the line is, and that threatening a state employee is a felony. you could live forever, or die that second, he doesnt give a shit which.* All he wants is for the work day to last until the end of time, so he wont have to go home to get beaten by his wife.