So I'm sitting there tonight, watching Butler score 41 points in the NCAA basketball championship game thinking, "why the fuck are they doing this." And it occured to me that people have been making passing sarcastic suggestions for years on stupid ways to make games like this interesting forever, but never recorded them anywhere, so:
Basketball
No changes to the rules, hoop, ball, or scoring. Just add one guy on each team. That guy will be carrying a hammer in his right hand, and a hula hoop in his left. What he does with those objects is entirely up to him. If he wants to smash out the knees of the star point guard on the other team, great job. If he wants to reach out and yank ron artest out of the air by his throat with the hula hoop, deal with it, psycho. If he wants to have a hammer and hula hoop fight to the death with the other teams new player at center court while a normal game goes on around them, guess what, I'm god damn well tuning in for it.
Baseball
This shit is almost impossible to make interesting unless your team is in the playoffs. so, heres what you do. Instead of running bases after a hit, players will now complete american gladiator style events to advance to the next base. Instead of tagging a base or touching a player gently with the ball like your molester uncle used to, the defenders' job is to stop him from completing it. home to first, the joust. 1st to 2nd, powerball. 2nd to 3rd, the wall. 3rd to home, you zipline your ass from the top of the wall to home plate, while the catcher shoots tennis balls at you from a pressurized potato gun like they did in the gauntlet. If you fall youre out, and probably have a broken neck, because fuck safety nets.
Football
Cheerleaders now ride on the backs of all players.
Hockey
One of the boring things about hockey is how the players get tangled up with eachother, kicking and hacking the shit out of themselves along the boards because the puck is lost in there somewhere. solution: ten 18 inch steel rods that rotate around the outside boards at about 30 miles per hour, sticking out just below the glass along the dasher. Any time a player feels the need to slow shit down and stand in the corner shuffling his feet, he gets pulverized by the cycling metal pipes of death. In addition, holding someone in place or pushing them into this meatgrinder is acceptable. slashing, spearing, charging, boarding and roughing are also no longer penalties.
NASCAR
Too easy. every single person who has ever been bored by Nascar has had the same thought run through their minds at least once: Guns. but if you think about it, just putting a couple machine guns on the cars would end shit too fast. there needs to be suspense, so heres the deal. you now have a passenger in the car with a huge revolver. every time you have to make a pit stop, you get two more bullets. if you want to save them up, fine, but at the end of the race if you havent fired and connected with another car, causing a crash or at least a spin, you dont get to race next week. that should weed out the pacifists pretty quick and allow the people who want to adapt to be successful in the new era.
