As most of you might know already, I am not the most well spoken individual out there. In fact, I am one of the most low-down, fucked up, arrogant, and dick headed people when it comes to addressing people and their feelings and shit. So with that in mind, please keep in mind, I write as I speak. There will be a lot of "yo" and "fuck" and "shit". Who knows, maybe some mother fuckers and all sorts of other shit that is involved in my daily regiment of language.
Flash Back March 19th - 715pm EST
Had a long day at work, so I decided that when a few people addressed the fact that they hadn't seen me in a bit, I went to Otts (the local bar). Arrived around 8, and it being somewhat of Spring Break or some shit, I see a ton of people that I know but whom I could give two flying fucks about or about their shitty fucking lives and what they are doing with their fucked existence. So I shrug them off as quick as they came over and continue to pound Corona's (no fruit, if I want fruit in my drink I will order a raspberry cosmo or some other faggot shit) and mind erasers, ith total intentions of being home by 11pm so that I can be on time for work friday. Needless to say 11 had come and gone and I am still at the bar, drinking like a fucking fish and getting dangerously close to getting flagged and asked to leave. So my brainiac idea, preemptive strike that flagging and just leave, I NEED TITTIES IN MY FACE was being shouted as I left the bar. I now find myself in the parking lot of my favorite titty bar, wad of cash in hand, a sick pack in the other and nothing but tits and ass on my mind. I stumble to the door, and realize one shitty fucking fact. NO ID! They wont let me in. I left it at the bar on the oposite side of the highway. SO I walk back to my car, go to grab my keys, dont have em, look in all my pockets and the ground, NOPE! I peer into the window my keys are in the ignition. So i have 2 choices here:
1. Call my parents, get them to bring me my spare key and take the hit on tits and go home.
2. Walk to the bar, grab my ID, get tits in my face, call a cab, get my spare and get my car in the morning.
Being the clever Nightowl I am, I obviously choose option 2. I start awlking my happy ass across the street (6 lane highway). I then decide, this walk is taking long ( maybe about 300 yards or less from the tits to the ID), I sit on the Jersey Barrier and drink a beer. Go get my ID, get titties in my face from my favorite tittie bar stripper, and call a cab. No cabs at 2am on a thursday night, in fact nobody i know is awake, and i have no fucking awy to get the fuck home. I start hoofing it, i get about half way, when gods good grace shined upon me. I am walking passed the 24hr McDonalds and I see a car that I recognize, so I walk up to it, nobody in it, i wait about 30 minutes and out from the motel accross the way comes my boy, with a shit eatting grin on his face. He wanted titties too, but went the whole other way about it. All in all I got home at 330 in the morning, took a shower, and passed out on my floor. I was late to work, took me forever to find my spare, and was still drunk all the next day, almost destroying my entire friday (like that is possible).
I have another story, but I ill save that for a bit later.
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Glossary
- 7-Day Store: The closest alcohol purchasing station to 4296.
- 96: A 72 hour liberty period.
- Advon: A group who receives the special favor of returning home from an Iraq Deployment early. Persons who are given this privilege have usually sucked the necessary cocks to meet the minimum Advon requirements.
- Alamo: A dilapidated rectangular building with an open center. A hive for SgtMaj Express passengers who live in an illusionary state of mind that gives them a false sense of security from a building that would be condemned even in The 'Oming.
- Aries2000: Ancient Jedi weapon used for popping balloons, cauterizing paper cuts, removing tattoos and labeling its owner as a jackass.
- Banana Slap: A near sacred ritual in which a passed out Nightowl is punished for retiring early for the night, by being smacked with an over-ripened potassium capsule. Can also be used on "Scip-Scaps".
- Baraka: A facial disfigurement in which the victim appears to have been in a head on collision and smashed face first through both vehicles' windshields. With Ten being the pinnacle of female sexual desire, and One being the bottom of the barrel, these creatures are considered "under the barrel".
- Bounding: An athletic sport that truly defines a Nightowl's agility.
- Break-In: Smashing through a 4296 window like the Kool-Aid pitcher in a rallying attempt to persuade another Nightowl to Go Big. Also used when alcohol runs low, and the only remaining source is behind said window.
- Camel Jockey: An individual who lives in a hardened mud hut, which possesses more satellite dishes than walls. Owns a vehicle that can only be operated using a skill called the "Flintstone Method", and can be seen firing weapons at clouds and playing Catch the bomb.
- Cannon Vomit: Releasing the contents of ones stomach in a manner that resembles a collapsing levy in New Orleans.
- Chicky Selecks: A food preferred by Dr. Gonzo, ordered in an asinine voice at the McDonalds drive through.
- Chin Parasite: An alien from outer space that attaches itself to people who are subjective to addiction and self destructive habits. Results in binge drinking, compulsive gambling, gluttony and excessive masturbation, to feed the chin's sinful impulses.
- Cobble Wobble: 2nd in line to Goldschlager in taking Vin to the highest levels of Going Big. Supreme violence and a loathing for people who are not going big at the time are the main side effects of Cobble Wobble.
- Code Red: A drill in which a loud noise is reacted to in such a way that an observer would receive the impression that planet earth had been taken over by giant flesh eating mutant aliens packing RPG's and mortar tubes.
- CTB: Catch The Bomb: The most popular sport in Iraq. Includes running, hiding and the overall goal, catching the bomb, which consists of breaking the fall of an object with your body, and scoring points by leaping into the air and spreading yourself over a wide area.
- Dale Earnhardt: A fictional deity worshipped by mullet headed greasemonkeys,
- Dick Stomp: Much like a dog having its throat crushed by a collar chain as it attempts to escape the yard, having your Dick Stomped is what happens when you try to apply logic to a situation, only to be stopped by someone who has a greater rank than you, and insists that things will be done in the most difficult and painful manner. This tactic is most common with members of a SgtMaj Express.
- Dr. Gonzo: A state of mind achieved by Fez while going big, transforming the normally docile Nightowl into a Tasmanian devil like abomination, with equal quantities of shame and degradation. Also see: "drunk like tice"
- Drunk Like Tice: A loud, annoying, possibly sobbing, uncontrollable form of self loathing and pity. Usually resulting in nudity and the feared "Cannon Vomit".
- Eduardo Procedure: The art of cryogenically freezing mortally injured creatures to preserve their lives. Side effects include: death.
- Faggotry: An adjective to describe ideas or actions deemed moronic or inappropriate for continuance.
- Flak and Kevlar: A pair of restrictive clothing articles designed to make life suck even worse than normal at TQ. Includes Neck Chafer and Ball Bruiser attachments.
- Flavaz: A reference for any type of liquor.
- Florabecity: A disease that is spreading through Florida like the black plague through Europe. Causes Pig’s Ham in all affected subjects, and delusions of sex appeal, leading them to believe they should wear clothes designed for strippers.
- FTS: Fuck That Shit; Used when a proposal or idea is counterproductive to the collective satisfaction of present individuals.
- G'head: Permission to proceed.
- George Bush: President of the United States. Former coke head, now just smokes reefer. Has single handedly ruined the credibility of the US presidency, while Horsefucking the Nightowls and jacking up gas prices.
- Gnome: A repulsive, normally red headed creature who attempts to use rank pulling as an exit strategy when a plan to haze subordinates goes horribly wrong. Gnomes' feeble livers have almost zero tolerance to depressive liquid, leaving them red faced and unable to maintain even a modest grip on their surroundings after 2-4 oz. of any alcoholic substance.
- Going Big: Drinking far in excess of what ones own alcoholic tolerance will safely allow, turning said person into a destructive, stumbling ball of violence and incoherency.
- Goldschlager: A drink with gold flakes, a hint of cinnamon and made infamous with an incident involving Vin, Kaizer, an early evening retirement, Thunderbird, several other Nightowls and a banana. Heavy use of this item will result in Cannon Vomit or an unexplained Pile of Vomit (depending on the Nightowl in question).
- Gunnamatna: As the unofficial war cry of the Nightowls, Gunnamatna can be heard from the upper deck of barracks 4169 during weekends when excessive intake of MadDog, Goldschlager, or other "Power Drinks" has taken place.
- Half-Erection: Kind of hard, but pretty limp. Faces down, not straight at you, kind of like snuffalufagus trunk.
- Hearts and Minds: The positions to aim the crosshairs of your paperweight if confronted by an Iraqi citizen.
- Heathen: An individual who does not partake in the refreshing consumption of alcoholic beverages, regardless of legal age limit.
- Hoggin': The acquisition and seduction of a female whose physical appearance is similar to John Madden. Should not be attempted unless you are in the midst of Going Big, and should be executed with extreme caution.
- Horsefucked: A yearly occurrence which is a direct result of being a part of VMU2. see Iraq deployments.
- Iraq Deployment: Also a yearly occurrence in which a Nightowl is cutoff from all opportunities to GO BIG. It is also a time in which a Nightowl's mental sanity is tested. Upon his or her return each Nightowl must go through the refresher GO BIG syllabus, which can be completed in one night, or on the Ireland to CHPT leg from TQ.
- Ireland Leg: Following a deployment to TQ, the Nightowls may stop in Ireland on the way back to 4296. Timing is critical, and the best drinkers know to buy Liquor from the store instead of waiting in line for 1 or 2 nasty ass beers.
- Jib Lip: A physical mandible deformity which causes a person to look as though they have spent the better part of their life using their upper jaw as a hammer.
- K-Span: A structure built in TQ made of a wooden interior, designed to rot after just a few years use, and aluminum outer shell, to create up to 6 times more shrapnel in the event of an attack.
- Long Island: A term used when eliminating 4 hours of your lifespan without getting anything in return.
- Loud Noises: A common occurrence in TQ, created by controlled detonations and outgoing artillery fire. Can result in "Code Red".
- MadDog: A bum wine and staple of the Nightowl diet. Preferred flavor is Orange Jubilee. However, OJ has only 13% Alcohol content, versus 18% for the Grape flavor, which has a less desirable flavor.
- Maintenance: a lowly sub-breed of primate, who's diet consists of boiled eggs and Nitro-Tech. identified by slanted forehead, leather motorcycle jacket, and the act of grunting sputtering streams of unintelligible nonsense from its slobbering piehole.
- Mako’s: A former stronghold of drinking but not Going Big. Conquered by the Nightowls like York fell to William Wallace. Nightowls now receive free VIP passes and shots upon entrance to the area.
- MojoGate: The September 11th, 2006 brawl which resulted in Candy getting stitches in his forehead, and Mojo earning a Meritorious Nightowl prospect selection. This fight may have ended Candy's fighting career with a record of 0-5.
- Nein: Means no in German.
- Nightowl: one who excels at drinking, breaking objects, and making an ass out of ones self in public.
- Oscillator: A supplanted grease monkey who was trained to be an external pilot by Gunnamatna. Like Anakin Skywalker, Oscillator turned against his mentor in an effort to destroy Pioneers and become the greatest shitbag EP the world has ever known.
- Paperweight: A long black object, made from metal, plastic, and hardened rubber. Usually comes with a strap for easy carrying. Disassembles in just seconds to create smaller paperweights of all shapes and sizes.
- Penguin Plunge: The act of diving headfirst into a conversation you have nothing to do with, opening your mouth only to create a resting place for your feet. Requires sputtering sentence fragments consisting of, "Crew rest…uh..uh…S-3…hey…S-3".
- Penguin: Also known as the "caboose" of the SgtMaj Express, can be seen watching movies during working hours, stealing office supplies, and what can only be described as "doing lines" from his superiors' buttholes.
- Pig's Ham: A 300 lb or more female who wears an outfit tight enough to crack a tortoise shell, highlighting the tractor tire around her waste in glaring and vomit inducing detail.
- Pile of Vomit: A colorful mound of bile, digested food and alcohol, forming in the discreet shape of a puppy fetus still wrapped in its placenta. Has the distinct scent of an intestinal catastrophe left in the sun for 3 days.
- POO Site: Any geographical position that has been marked as a place where a possible target was once located, but has since vacated never to return again.
- Poot: The position a gay man sleeps or lays down in, with ass propped up in a suggestive position, as if to entice a normally straight man to fuck him in the ass.
- Popcopy: one of the earliest of Nightowl scandals, involving Budweiser and chocolate syrup.
- Qatar: Nearest accessible alcohol purchasing station to TQ, yet limited by a ludicrous 1 trip per lifetime, and 3 drinks per day on a 4 day trip.
- Rip It: A liquid amphetamine designed to keep Nightowls awake during flights which define the essence of boredom and inactivity.
- RipDog: An Upper/Downer combination of RipIt and MadDog. This weird but infectious combination gives the feeling of euphoria and evil thoughts all at the same time. Must only be consumed during the absence of alcohol purchasing stations.
- RQ2B Pioneer: A high performance, all weather, stealth aircraft employed by the US military to conduct such missions as scanning long island, Aquatic reaction drills (PROG FAIL), circling over expired "POO" sites, and providing real time video of the nosewheel so TFC can stroke their junk while watching "Combat".
- S-1 Virus: Causes the disease "Penguin". The affected subject slowly morphs into a swamp assed collection of laziness, kleptomania, and brown nosing that possesses as much charisma as a cheese sandwich. Victims of Penguin consistently complain about co-workers' inadequacies, which remarkably resemble their own. If those suffering from S-1 are in any command position, they should be quarantined, since they draw as much respect as the average child molester.
- S-4 Virus: Causes a disease commonly known as "False Motivation". Symptoms include excessively grunting and yelling at anything that moves within the affected subject's personal area, decreased judgment, and a heightened sense of empowerment with minimal rank. Failure to treat this disease may result in mental retardation, or in serious cases, the subject may eventually become a Squadron Gunny.
- Satellite: A miracle performing heavenly body that uses magic to fix unrelated aircraft problems in the RQ-2B Pioneer.
- Sawhney Syndrome: A non-infectious disease that causes its host to laugh uncontrollably at statements or bad jokes in proportion to the rank of the person who delivers them. Side effects include homoerotic contact and broken English.
- Scan Eagle: A Ballistic Missile Employed by Boeing in Iraq. A 12 hour lifespan allows its operator to find a suitable target, then attack it in an uncontrolled, somersaulting yard sale that may or may not have the intended effect. A lack of a warhead makes the Scan Eagle a weak projectile, and is therefore being researched as a possible surveillance aircraft instead of a plastic high school science fair caliber cannonball.
- Scip-Scap: see: triflin bitch
- Sergeant Major Express: The proverbial Train of brown-nosers and ass-kissers who lack the mental capacity to evaluate their surroundings in a way that complies with the laws of reality. A big rolling obnoxious mass of motivation and cluelessness.
- Single Riders: A program at theme parks which allows Nightowls to cut in front of Scip-Scaps and other Triflin beings.
- Skittles: Also known as dermatitis eczema; A face scarring condition in which the victim appears to have been blasted 12 gauge at close range.
- Slack Jawed Faggot: An individual who is unable to consume an item on the Nightowls Prospect Checklist. This title is given to a failed prospect who is then banished from his/her syllabus until a reprisal is formulated by the Captain.
- Small Time: Achieving lesser states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.
- Squadron Gunny: An imaginary title invented to provide a fake sense of empowerment to people who have emotional deficiencies, and whose only talents are having big ears, yelling at people, and executing testicle draining skulljobs to men with higher rank, and a less fairy tale like job title. Obtaining this so called "position" requires little other than a permanent shit-eating grin in the presence of officers, and absence of the knowledge that you are a complete douchebag.
- Terrell Owens: see: "Maintenance", and "Triflin Bitch"
- The 'Oming: A social purgatory, wherein lives a collection of rednecks, old rednecks, hate criminals, and mentally challenged farmer children. Recognized as the leading producer of incompetent college athletes, and barrels of home made corn squeezed moonshine.
- Thunderbird: A disgusting liquid. Dangerous to consume.
- Tommy Gun: The inability to form a complete sentence or finish a statement in a normal fashion due to stoppages in nerve connections between the brain and the mouth. Also known as "3 round burst".
- TQ: Al Taqaddum: A prison like installation which Nightowls are sent to from February to October. Devoid of alcohol purchasing stations.
- Trick Ass: A prefix for a person who possesses a command position, yet has no credible notion of how to use it. Also given to individuals who scream for their body armor in the event of a controlled detonation, while hiding under tables.
- Triflin Bitch: see: scip-scap
- Triflin: Used to describe an individual or group as shady, lowdown dirty cunts that are not to be trusted or associated with unless an alcohol emergency has presented itself. Those described as such may want to hang around the alcohol, and may be permitted to until an escape plan has been formulated.
- Turkeyneck: 50% Human, 50% Turkey, 100% Dirty, gravel eating whore.
- WatchHog: An inferior Nightowl wannabe. Easily distinguished from the Nightowl by lack of flying talent, mindless "Moto" attitude, and raging obesity. Not to be confused with similar creatures such as pigs, hippos, or Roseanne Barr.
- White Building: A sanctuary from motivation and Trick Asses, and a preferred place for a Nightowl to get some peace and quiet while hung over at work.
- Zarqawi: A hairnet wearing, camel blowing terrorist who complained that if the US didn’t leave the middle east, he and his countrymen would never stop pissing their pants. Deceased.
READ YOUR FUCKING NIGHTOPS
6 comments:
FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKK YEEAAAAAHH!
That's what i miss, i need to go back to jersey soon.
Hell i even promise to head to untapped talent with you.
That sucks.
where the hell are your stories jolly? youre in college or something, you should be lighting it up more than anyone.
PS: stop drunk dialing my dad, i dont live there anymore.
well give me your real number and i wont drunk dial him. as for college I do everything online, so no need to go to the campus. I do have some stories about drinking at work, but they are not as exciting as your stories.
no problem, heres my real number...
I'M IN IRAQ I HAVE NO NUMBER
Fez,
I got that job with Insitu and shit. I leave for washington this sunday coming up. So I wont be home again until late this year. Plus side, I am gonna have 3 months off, so maybe if me and Mongo are home at the same time we can fly our fuckin asses out there.
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