Zig Zag's

So I just got back from a bar in Seattle, if that is its real name; more like a library with drunk people in it. If I had a hammer to throw at each hipster douchebag in the place, I could hold a barn raising with a single nail for each one. The full name of the place is Zig Zags Cafe.

CAFE.

By the time I left it was a miracle that a re-enactment of the battle of sterling, live from Pike Place Market wasnt happening on the news. The streets would have run red with blood, broken iPads, and irony. because for some reason, irony is a trend for faggots now instead of just a word for when something weird happens.

In the 29 years of my existance, never did i think i would wake up and imagine i'd spend any part of that day listening to an argument about the best organic lettuce. but there i was, seeing two pencil necked goatees verbally slap fighting about the most efficient way to keep their vitamin count high and their colon spring time fresh.

The urge was strong to drive an armored humvee through the wall and grab the nearest female, stuff my cock down her throat and start firing off a 357 from each hand, all the while screaming the lyrics from Pantera's "Cowboys From Hell", and i'm not even a republican. the whole scene could not have been more gay if Justin Bieber had walked in with a fucking popsicle in his hand.
anyway, thats my story and i'm sticking to it, like a money shot sticks to Hugh Laurie's steering wheel after getting road head from Shia Lafaggot.

Return of the Jedi

They lost, get over it.

Theres a scene during the assault on the death star that paints a very different picture than the accepted version that the rebels won against the empire. it happens just after the Death Star blows the shit out of one of the rebel fleet's ships. Lando tells Fish face they need to attack the star destroyers because they'll last longer than they would against the death star. so later on, they blow up the death star, and everyone is happy.

uh, hang on a second there buddy. there was like 30 fucking star destroyers out there, and you only took out 3 or 4. Also, by the time the Death Star is gone, there are less than a half dozen fighters left for the rebels. yeah the death star is gone, but you have no defense against the remaining empire ships. do you think they'd just give up after that? fuck no they wouldnt. their evil bosses that abused them their entire careers are dead, and now its time to find out who the new commander is.

So youve got 25ish star destroyers with hundreds of TIE fighters, looking at a pathetic rebel fleet sitting there celebrating because they killed the Bin Laden of space. laughing RIGHT IN THEIR FACES. add another 3 minutes onto that movie and you'd have the flaming pieces of every rebel spaceship screaming through the atmosphere and landing on Ewoks.

as for anyone still alive down on Endor? do you really think theyre going to escape in their little landing crafts? fuck no. the new commander in chief of the Empire is going to bomb the fucking shit out of them until the only thing left is the bad memories of Skywalker incest. And with all the hardcore fanatic rebels dead, the Empire is now free to absolutely dominate the galaxy, and have as many green, tentacle headed prostitutes born into slavery as they want. Way to restore freedom to the universe, you stupid assholes.

Manliness and Movies: Part deux

Fighting. It happens. To the nightowl brethren it generally is caused by, popped collar douchebags, scip scaps ( during the rare occasions, that bitch ass scip scaps are found at the bar) or the occasional dumb bitch.

To expound on the dumb bitch. Only with douchebags, who sense of honor, is directly attached to his dumb bitch at the bar. She talks shit, and expects him to back her up, instead of finding out that, she drank 4 wine coolers and is completely out of control.

So how do we see fights in the movies at bars. Amazing choreographed sequences, where people are getting thrown, one punch knock outs, and the good guy just kicking ass. The saddest sequence I ever see, mostly from the 80's, the guy getting dragged across the bar, spilling gallons of precious liquids. Truly not a nightowl moment. I have to ask myself, what does that do, it doesn't look that painful, and would tire you out way more than it's worth.

That never happens, first off. No one is that sober to execute such techniques. Generally if you can get a few punches before you grab at each other like two crippled retardo gimpy baboons and rolling on the ground before 30 people pull you off of each other before the steroid eating, gym loving, patrick swayze idolizing, MMA wannabes, also known as bouncers throw you out of the bar/ club.

Then your out on the street before you can remember what was just going on.

So how does this post relate to the movies?

It referenced roadhouse.

Manliness and Movies: Part 1, Gambling

Being a Man is defined as many things; Drinking, Fighting, Gambling, Sports, Slaying Poon, War and taking these ideas beyond the limits.

And thus movies have been portraying these ideas, polishing them up. Turning them into something it's not. Faggotry.

So folks let's get down to the nitty gritty with my favorite example of reality man, Spoon. And comparing all movies to the prince of pathetic, the lord of degeneracy, the emperor of embarrassment and the King of Regret. Spoon, is the highest level of gambling degeneracy that one can attain. So let's compare this to the movie "Rounders."

"Rounders" takes two faggots who make gambling easy cool and smooth. Matt Damon is damn near telepathic with how is able to read people and how suave and effortlessly he takes their money. Every place is this nice area where rich people are having theses poker games and he gets into these games, and make out like a bandit. Hooray, for Damon, for the most unrealistic portrayal of gambling.

Norton plays somewhat believable character.... when on paper, but after watching. It's the same bullshit as Damon. Here is a man who has been in prison and all he can think about is gambling? I'm sorry, if I'm in prison, the last thing I'm concerned with is getting dealt pocket rockets. My main concern is getting dealt pocket rockets from two large inmates who have life with no parole. More likely you should be protecting your skinny white ass Norton, from Tyrone and Jerome, before they bust your man cherry like a child's balloon hitting the wood chipper.

James Bond, fuck you. 21 is never that easy, especially while drinking. The reality of it, you would bust, the table would be pissed at you for playing like an asshole. I would punch you in your Queen loving stupid face you proper talking fuck, because you are a twat.

The only gambler in movies i do really like, is Franky Four Fingers. What a dirty Spoon like gambler. Just the thought of being able to throw down a bet, sends him in to waves of enjoyment, much like a little fat kid getting ice cream. It's over the top fantasizing, which is the reality of it. Every gambler thinks that they are going to win shit tons of money, women will be all over them and it will be the best night ever. When in reality you can lose it all, and more than just money. Because the people that are having these high money games are not your political elite. It's con men and crooks, because it is a dishonest game, made for real dishonest people. Men.

Making Sports Better

So I'm sitting there tonight, watching Butler score 41 points in the NCAA basketball championship game thinking, "why the fuck are they doing this." And it occured to me that people have been making passing sarcastic suggestions for years on stupid ways to make games like this interesting forever, but never recorded them anywhere, so:

Basketball

No changes to the rules, hoop, ball, or scoring. Just add one guy on each team. That guy will be carrying a hammer in his right hand, and a hula hoop in his left. What he does with those objects is entirely up to him. If he wants to smash out the knees of the star point guard on the other team, great job. If he wants to reach out and yank ron artest out of the air by his throat with the hula hoop, deal with it, psycho. If he wants to have a hammer and hula hoop fight to the death with the other teams new player at center court while a normal game goes on around them, guess what, I'm god damn well tuning in for it.

Baseball

This shit is almost impossible to make interesting unless your team is in the playoffs. so, heres what you do. Instead of running bases after a hit, players will now complete american gladiator style events to advance to the next base. Instead of tagging a base or touching a player gently with the ball like your molester uncle used to, the defenders' job is to stop him from completing it. home to first, the joust. 1st to 2nd, powerball. 2nd to 3rd, the wall. 3rd to home, you zipline your ass from the top of the wall to home plate, while the catcher shoots tennis balls at you from a pressurized potato gun like they did in the gauntlet. If you fall youre out, and probably have a broken neck, because fuck safety nets.

Football

Cheerleaders now ride on the backs of all players.

Hockey

One of the boring things about hockey is how the players get tangled up with eachother, kicking and hacking the shit out of themselves along the boards because the puck is lost in there somewhere. solution: ten 18 inch steel rods that rotate around the outside boards at about 30 miles per hour, sticking out just below the glass along the dasher. Any time a player feels the need to slow shit down and stand in the corner shuffling his feet, he gets pulverized by the cycling metal pipes of death. In addition, holding someone in place or pushing them into this meatgrinder is acceptable. slashing, spearing, charging, boarding and roughing are also no longer penalties.

NASCAR

Too easy. every single person who has ever been bored by Nascar has had the same thought run through their minds at least once: Guns. but if you think about it, just putting a couple machine guns on the cars would end shit too fast. there needs to be suspense, so heres the deal. you now have a passenger in the car with a huge revolver. every time you have to make a pit stop, you get two more bullets. if you want to save them up, fine, but at the end of the race if you havent fired and connected with another car, causing a crash or at least a spin, you dont get to race next week. that should weed out the pacifists pretty quick and allow the people who want to adapt to be successful in the new era.

Food Hate

Yeah the skinny guy hates food, hardy fucking har

1. Parmesean
I know its essentially mold, and I've never been to a reputable Italian restaurant in my life, but there are plenty of other types of cheese that manage to not smell like the decomposing genitals of a wildebeest carcass. Time and time again Ive been told "we're making spaghetti tonight, come on over", only to have the delicious meal destroyed like a french army reserve battalion by this rancid edible diarrhea.

2. Bologna
What the hell is this stuff made from. just thinking about the flavor makes me want to drink a gallon of rat blood to get the taste out of my mouth. people complain that things like hot dogs are made from the ground up parts of discarded pigs and chickens, but they still actually taste good. So if thats not a realistic goal for the people who make bologna, they must be using some seriously crazy fucked up ingredients that i dont even want to know about, let alone eat.

3. Bread
More specifically, hamburger and hot dog buns. youre too god damn big and take up way too much of a bite. but making you smaller only causes everything I'm eating to fall on the floor. all you do is get in the way, fuck you.

DMV People

I usually only remember the Airport people that i want to punch out, but I'd never been in a crowded DMV before. now i understand why everyone hates it so much.

1. Businessman
A carryover from airport people, businessman might be following me around just to screw with me. But at the DMV he is out of his element. at the airport he can breeze through the line with first class tickets, show off his brooks brothers trenchcoat to others who can afford to fly, and scoff as they walk by him on their way to coach. At the DMV however, he is just another piece of shit like everyone else. he will be scowling at the concept of waiting in line, listening to that crying baby or rampaging uncontrolled toddler, and sitting in a wobbly plastic chair like a common serf. what a soul crushing inconvenience to do something at the pace of normal people. welcome to my realm, businessman, I hope you wait all fucking day.

2. Housewife
Hasnt been out of the home in months. She wears sweatpants, a zip up hoody, and flip flops, in colors that destroy your depth perception, and absolutely does not give a fuck about how her face or hair looks anymore. thats all fine and dandy, but for the love of god shut those god damn kids up and make them sit down before i start showing them magic tricks with my lighter. the noise may as well not exist to her, and after years of dealing with these little bastards, maybe she figures its time for someone else to be tortured. too bad i only have an hour or so with them, you get to go home and listen to it EVERY DAY.

3. Burnout
Burnout is constantly going to the bathroom. wtf hes doing in there is anyones guess, but when he gets out he'll be right back to the front door, waiting for someone to go smoke. like a vulture waiting for a lion to kill something, he'll be on you in seconds. "hey can i bum one of those?" No fuckhead you cannot. by the burn holes in your stained flannel button-down I can tell you arent ready for the responsibility of holding something that can set you on fire.

4. 90% Crippled Old Guy
Not that hes bothering anyone, but if it takes you 15 minutes to walk from your chair to the booths because you cant bend your knees anymore, stop driving. how the hell are you supposed to switch between the gas and brake on time?

5. DMV Employee
DMV Employee does not give a flying shit about anything on earth. he's probably a nihilist, and is the natural enemy of busnessman. he doesnt care how late you are, what restrictions you need on your liscense, or how long youve been waiting. you will stand there while he finishes his game of minesweeper and be god damn happy about it, because if you give him shit, he'll let you know where the line is, and that threatening a state employee is a felony. you could live forever, or die that second, he doesnt give a shit which.* All he wants is for the work day to last until the end of time, so he wont have to go home to get beaten by his wife.

Drunk in Mexico

Ok I'm going to start off by saying I am indeed a slacker for not posting as often as I should and forgetting what the hell happened after the numerous parities Andy and I have thrown in the last couple of years.

Going back to Mexico…….I just have to say that getting drunk in a country that has an exchange rate of 13- to 1 US dollar is not a good idea if you suck at math and you don’t speak the native language.

After Meagan (girl I went with, and can out drink me 9 times out of 10) went shopping on the second day, we proceeded to head to the nearest bar once we stepped foot in the hotel. After several Coronas and a couple of weak ass margaritas (which tasted like they were made with Fanta), we headed to the buffet to carbo-load on what ever Mexican food they could slap in front of us. We some how that it was a bright idea to drink red wine. which I might add that it was given to us for free since we were the only white girls in bikinis in the whole place. the Mexican waiter kept feeding us more wine claiming that he did not understand the word NO. Probably because he wanted to keep near us so he could peer at our skimpy clad bodies. No matter to me, keep feeding me wine and I will be happy. After what I can only imagine was several bottles of wine (which we have no way of telling because it was not on the bill). Some how we got sucked into the karaoke bar, which anyone who knows me I will outright refuse to go to under normal circumstances. I just have to say the Queen (bohemian rhapsody) does not translate well with Mexicans.

after that we navigated out of the bar and towards our hotel rooms. Then we noticed it was still raining and flooding the entire area. unable to navigate the passage back to the room without getting wet, we stumbled (water and marble floors not a good mixture) into the hotel room and were done for the night.

Other than having the worlds shittest margaritas and only good servichi, I have to say the highlight of the trip was the Canopy tour we took on Monday. Combine me and a mule up a mountain with no guide for an hour and you end up with me finding peote and a huge lizard that scared the bejesus out of my mule. Add zip-linning and repelling down a waterfall and that equals a great time. Also I did not know pistachio tequila even existed and I have to say its pretty dam good. You get tons of free shots when you walk into random tequila stores in down town but its such a small amount, its not enough to go big.

Foosball

The seahawks lost to the rams. the FUCKING RAMS. why, in these days when its acceptable to make a knee-jerk benching of a star player because hes fucked up for two games, cant the seahawks sit assholebeck. the bastard has been going downhill since 2007, and gets worse every single week. the mind boggling descisions he makes to heave the ball up under pressure is something that Brett Favre wouldnt do when he was a god damn rookie. enough about that.

Cuban's Dolphins play tommorow night, and i'd expect a thorough ass whipping at the hands of the patriots, except that theyre slipping into mediocrity faster than Eddie Murphey in the 90's. So if Miami wins, expect to see Randy Moss on the commisioner's blotter for picking up a drag queen prostitute and snorting heroin off its balls in his limo.

I was going to watch the eagles/redskins game, but Joe Buck was covering it. and by covering, i mean slurping McNabb's pecker like he was going to get a liquid gold money shot.

Also, I fucking hate Eli Manning and the Giants. Were finding out what kind of QB he is without a bad ass defense. I wouldnt trade a one legged Hasselbeck for that fucking Glamour monger.

Seahawks / Broncos

Fez...it is now on.
since nobody else cares about either team i'll keep it short. Picture Tinkerbell (seahawks).

Now picture Robocop (broncos) fist fucking tink up the ass for 60 minutes with his giant metal hand. thats pretty much the game summary.