There are much more important things that need to be legalized first.
1.
I want the right to strangle the fuck out of people who absolutely cannot function without someone feeling sorry for them 24 hours a day.
2.
I want the right to throw a coffee mug at the forehead of anyone who, whether they are even included in a conversation or not, is determined to make any topic that can be spoken verbally about themselves.
3.
Being drunk in public hurts nobody but the taxpayers when the arrest is made. being a buzzkilling narc can potentially lead to large quantities of civil unrest. do the math.
4.
I want the right to open-palm-throat-strike anyone who asks me if im doing alright more than once a month.
This list is completely unsatisfying in its briefness, but the rage boiling over is preventing me from thinking straight enough to write anymore at this time.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Shirts?
Whats going on with these? Fez I know that your busy getting Anally violated in Vegas... I need to flaunt the Gunnamatna colors in Afghan when i get shitty drunk on friday.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Vegas
90 minutes in Vegas, a pit boss put her finger in my ass...... Let me rewind.
Before I even left my house, at 11:30 in the morning, i had already had 3 beers. On the drive to Sin City, I finished another 16 which had me showing up in Vegas a little smashed already. Well i decided to play black jack as soon as I got there. The drink people at the Sahara are great for letting you have 2 drinks all the time.
Well the Pit Cougar (yes, the cougar magnetism is at fault for this), was flirting with me, i didn't think anything about it, because i was in a friendly mood. Even after i lost my money, I was still happy because i got plenty more smashed.
Having no more cash to gamble with i went to the in casino convienent store for liquor and snacks. And who happens to show up, the pit cougar (my friend believes she followed me to the store, like an actual wild animal stalking her prey), I had already paid for my stuff and while my friend was paying for beer and cigarettes, she started to get close to me.
Mind you, at this point, I am far from sober. My senses were dulled, so in the wild, i would have been the gazelle with a broken ankle...easy prey.
I offer her a cheeto (yes an actual cheeto, i bought some snacks at the store)....now i don't know what that means in vegas, but in Wyoming, that means would you like a tasty snack.
Well she passed on the cheeto and slid her hand down my pants and credit card swiped my B-hole. Now her finger never actually penetrated the barrier, but i clammed up. Walked out of the store with out saying a word. The terror of a strangers hand giving you a tap tap at your back door is not something i want for anyone.
The best part, is my friend said that he thought she a knife to my back. He said the look on my face was that of pure fear.
After that incident it was a fun two days, I got drunk, vomited at Denny's, passed out shitting at Walgreens, made an ass out of myself at the club, and eventually hit a lucky streak at gambling in Ceaser's Palace. My liver hurts, I feel like a rape victim... Cant' wait till we have a nightowl reunion and go to vegas.
Before I even left my house, at 11:30 in the morning, i had already had 3 beers. On the drive to Sin City, I finished another 16 which had me showing up in Vegas a little smashed already. Well i decided to play black jack as soon as I got there. The drink people at the Sahara are great for letting you have 2 drinks all the time.
Well the Pit Cougar (yes, the cougar magnetism is at fault for this), was flirting with me, i didn't think anything about it, because i was in a friendly mood. Even after i lost my money, I was still happy because i got plenty more smashed.
Having no more cash to gamble with i went to the in casino convienent store for liquor and snacks. And who happens to show up, the pit cougar (my friend believes she followed me to the store, like an actual wild animal stalking her prey), I had already paid for my stuff and while my friend was paying for beer and cigarettes, she started to get close to me.
Mind you, at this point, I am far from sober. My senses were dulled, so in the wild, i would have been the gazelle with a broken ankle...easy prey.
I offer her a cheeto (yes an actual cheeto, i bought some snacks at the store)....now i don't know what that means in vegas, but in Wyoming, that means would you like a tasty snack.
Well she passed on the cheeto and slid her hand down my pants and credit card swiped my B-hole. Now her finger never actually penetrated the barrier, but i clammed up. Walked out of the store with out saying a word. The terror of a strangers hand giving you a tap tap at your back door is not something i want for anyone.
The best part, is my friend said that he thought she a knife to my back. He said the look on my face was that of pure fear.
After that incident it was a fun two days, I got drunk, vomited at Denny's, passed out shitting at Walgreens, made an ass out of myself at the club, and eventually hit a lucky streak at gambling in Ceaser's Palace. My liver hurts, I feel like a rape victim... Cant' wait till we have a nightowl reunion and go to vegas.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Deployment is the mother of invention
Happy mothers day, Deployment, from your son, Invention.
From the same desperate times that brought us the Ripdog, comes two combinations which produce winning formulas for possible go bigdom while separated from a proper fountain of flavaz.
The Seahawk:
Have you ever wondered why the giant refrigerators at the DFAC are stocked to the gills with that shitty ass fruit cocktail nectar? I think i know why. It was done as a favor to an unknown officer who wanted to make sure he never ran out of the shit, so he could mix it with his imported seagrams. thats right. Seagrams is good enough to be consumed all by its lonely, but mixing it with the Infidel Juice (75% Seagrams, 25% Juice" produces a distict flavor likely to surprise an imbibing Nightowl. It somehow is the perfect combination to cancel out the shit flavor parts of the whiskey, while leaving the warm burn that lets you know youre still on the rollercoaster to embarassment. the "Sea" comes from Seagrams, the "Hawk" comes from the surprise attack the flavor brings.
The Fly: Gilbeys' Vodka and Mountain dew. A 50/50 mixture of the two. Remember any time youve ever had a jack and coke, and you could tell how strong it was because you could most definetly choose to examine the volume of either ingredient just by paying attention, something that comes from being able to taste both of them independantly of each other. This one is called The Fly, because in its perfect genesis, creates an entirely new flavor, neither vodka nor mountain dew, and it is definetely acceptable for the territory. If you still dont get what "The Fly" means, go watch the movie of the same name.
Gunnamatna.
From the same desperate times that brought us the Ripdog, comes two combinations which produce winning formulas for possible go bigdom while separated from a proper fountain of flavaz.
The Seahawk:
Have you ever wondered why the giant refrigerators at the DFAC are stocked to the gills with that shitty ass fruit cocktail nectar? I think i know why. It was done as a favor to an unknown officer who wanted to make sure he never ran out of the shit, so he could mix it with his imported seagrams. thats right. Seagrams is good enough to be consumed all by its lonely, but mixing it with the Infidel Juice (75% Seagrams, 25% Juice" produces a distict flavor likely to surprise an imbibing Nightowl. It somehow is the perfect combination to cancel out the shit flavor parts of the whiskey, while leaving the warm burn that lets you know youre still on the rollercoaster to embarassment. the "Sea" comes from Seagrams, the "Hawk" comes from the surprise attack the flavor brings.
The Fly: Gilbeys' Vodka and Mountain dew. A 50/50 mixture of the two. Remember any time youve ever had a jack and coke, and you could tell how strong it was because you could most definetly choose to examine the volume of either ingredient just by paying attention, something that comes from being able to taste both of them independantly of each other. This one is called The Fly, because in its perfect genesis, creates an entirely new flavor, neither vodka nor mountain dew, and it is definetely acceptable for the territory. If you still dont get what "The Fly" means, go watch the movie of the same name.
Gunnamatna.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Ground side, Bilbo, and Cobble Wobble
Wow. So much shit has happened and i feel like its gone by so fast its only been a few weeks. first off, thank god i was recalled as a sergeant, because the ground guys treat everyone below that like complete shit. Ive actually had to sit down and have a talk with a female LCpl about why she shouldnt call me sergeant every 2 seconds. for christs sake the rank isnt punctuation. Even though this is a shitty supply battalion, It boggles the mind how different it is from the wing. I'm not going to say "OH IVE BEEN GROUND SIDE YOU GUYS JUST DONT KNOW....YOU DONT FUCKIN KNOW" all im saying is thank god for the wing, because ground units are fucking stupid. I have never seen so many NJP's for stupid shit in my life, and our CO is a total piece himself! classic case of a trick ass. no let me rephrase, this guy REDEFINES the definition of trick ass. Imagine if you will, the most self serving scumbag on the face of planet earth, being put in a position where he has 900 toy soldiers to move across a map like hes playing a game of risk. except the only problem is, hes moving them across territory he already owns. so what does he do? well, he fucks with them of course! since there is nobody here to outroll with double sixes, he just starts throwing infractions around like fucking captain sobel from band of brothers. so yeah like i said before, its gay.
On to my next point, which involves Fez.
Fez. i want you to read this as if youre seeing it yourself. Youre sitting in an office in front of a computer, and behind you a door opens. you hear the pitter patter of little tiny footprints, and you know whose they are. its SSgt Bilbrey, the 5 foot nothing munchkin who resembles a hobbit 10 times better than yufit ever could. I am not even fucking kidding. I cannot count the times i have thought of your reaction if you were to see this guy. dude...seriously, i dont even know what else to say, i'm going to have to take a picture and post it for you to believe the amount of laughter i get at this guys expense, because i know, no matter how much i may get used to him being around me, you would never NEVER be able to keep a straight face while he is in the same room.
Lastly. Jolly I have not gotten your package as of this date, but, i have gotten one from fez and my dad. and let me say, good got you guys have found a way to go big through the postal service. Already i have more booze than we had in OIF3 and 4 combined. just to give you an idea, my dad sent 750ml bottles of seagrams, gilbeys and capt, and i receieved a bottle of COBBLE WOBBLE from fez. ANYWAY. that is a lot for now. all I can say is Gunnamatna! and i am fucked up from the seagrams my dad sent. gunna. fucking. matna.
On to my next point, which involves Fez.
Fez. i want you to read this as if youre seeing it yourself. Youre sitting in an office in front of a computer, and behind you a door opens. you hear the pitter patter of little tiny footprints, and you know whose they are. its SSgt Bilbrey, the 5 foot nothing munchkin who resembles a hobbit 10 times better than yufit ever could. I am not even fucking kidding. I cannot count the times i have thought of your reaction if you were to see this guy. dude...seriously, i dont even know what else to say, i'm going to have to take a picture and post it for you to believe the amount of laughter i get at this guys expense, because i know, no matter how much i may get used to him being around me, you would never NEVER be able to keep a straight face while he is in the same room.
Lastly. Jolly I have not gotten your package as of this date, but, i have gotten one from fez and my dad. and let me say, good got you guys have found a way to go big through the postal service. Already i have more booze than we had in OIF3 and 4 combined. just to give you an idea, my dad sent 750ml bottles of seagrams, gilbeys and capt, and i receieved a bottle of COBBLE WOBBLE from fez. ANYWAY. that is a lot for now. all I can say is Gunnamatna! and i am fucked up from the seagrams my dad sent. gunna. fucking. matna.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Have Fun Golfing
Thats right pig fuckers, I hope you enjoyed your 6 games of the playoffs. Maybe next year you wont collapse like....well, like the Flyers. For a while there it looked like "Flyers Hockey" might well be alive still, and the broad street bully strategy wasnt a tired prehistoric failure.
Then the Penguins realized something. Daniel Briere looks like a pasty, freakish mixture of a hobbit and michael jackson, with the biggest difference being that the hobbit has a ring. This little phenomenon of human genetic mutation is slightly less intimidating than your average quadrapeligic chihuahua with its mouth glued shut, and was a prime candidate to be shoved around like gary coleman in a biker mosh pit.
anyways it was fun watching them blow a 3-0 lead with their season on the line, it was a good pick me up after a shitty day. Thanks for the charity work.
Then the Penguins realized something. Daniel Briere looks like a pasty, freakish mixture of a hobbit and michael jackson, with the biggest difference being that the hobbit has a ring. This little phenomenon of human genetic mutation is slightly less intimidating than your average quadrapeligic chihuahua with its mouth glued shut, and was a prime candidate to be shoved around like gary coleman in a biker mosh pit.
anyways it was fun watching them blow a 3-0 lead with their season on the line, it was a good pick me up after a shitty day. Thanks for the charity work.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
If you want to feel a little better.
Start reading some of these peoples horrible lives and feel a little better about life.
http://www.fmylife.com/
http://www.fmylife.com/
Request
the deployment is getting gay. extremely gay. assistance is needed in the form of you know what. if anyone is able to help, it would be greatly appreciated. dont care what it is, but a portion of Teq is preferable. again i cant stress enough how gay it is here. this is the gayest "combat" zone ever. its gayer than richard simmons at a hotdog eating contest.
sgt "Kaiser", CLB-7 H&S
41735 FPOAP 96426-1735
that is the magic code to deliver salvation to the middle east. fuck the starving fucks in somalia for now, let them hijack sally strothers' barge full of rice if they want to eat.
sgt "Kaiser", CLB-7 H&S
41735 FPOAP 96426-1735
that is the magic code to deliver salvation to the middle east. fuck the starving fucks in somalia for now, let them hijack sally strothers' barge full of rice if they want to eat.
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