The Lightweight's guide to Going Big

First off, by Lightweight i mean your weight. If youre reading this and are still a lightweight as a drinker, you are also a Scip-Scap, and should be practicing and not reading.

I'm setting the Lightweight bar at 140 lbs. If you fit the bill, here are some tips to make every drink count, and to prevent you from nosediving into the gravel before anyone else has a buzz.
Obviously the first issue is how much to drink. If you think that your body processes alcohol at the general rate of 1 drink per hour, you'd be right...if you werent a Lightweight. Ive found that the LW version of this rule should put you somewhere around the 1:20-1:30 mark.
depending on your tolerance, its a good idea for a lightweight to start slower than others. I say "Start" slower because once youre into it, no logical reasoning is going to slow you down for the rest of the night.

Dont begin your climb up the shitface ladder with shots. The important thing about this is that a shot is the same amount of alcohol compressed into less liquid, which means it will absorb faster, and thusly fuck you up worse than the non LW people with you in the same amount of time. I'm not saying decline shots if thats what the group is doing, but if this is the case, have 1 or 2, and something to eat before or immediately after. Which brings us to:

Food. There are several ways to avoid crashing your party wagon before the race has started. for Marathon type Going Big, the best bet is a big meal about an hour before you start getting lit. As a Lightweight, a big meal can carry you farther than other people. just remember not to start pounding beers as soon as youre done, or you may get full too fast and be forced to wait longer. If done correctly, this option will allow you to remain steady for long periods of time without sacrificing Go Big hours. stamina is key, keep in mind that in these types of nights, youre in it for the long haul.

Hook and Jab. this is the typical superbowl party option. eating and drinking throughout the alotted time. you'll want your drinking pace to be faster than eating, as even though youre a LW, the objective is Going Big, so allow for the alcohol to overtake the food at roughly a 3-1 ratio over long periods.

Emergency: Low Alcohol Supply: Simple, to make those few leftover beers or the bottom of a bottle count, eat light, such as a can of soup. let it settle for 10-15 minutes, and have at it. Obviously this is an unpopular option, since going big is probably not an option.

Movement. Getting your heart rate up even a little bit may drastically improve the potency of the ackahol in your system. get the blood flowing, and hence the alcohol moving around your body. This is much easier with certain types of flavaz such as Goldschlager, Cisco, or most Vodka. there is a reason that these energy producing drinks also produce the most violence and destruction, the distance they take you into the Go-Big cycle has been proven by trial and error.

In closing Lightweights, it is definitely possible to conquer over the trials of Going Big without as much bodily mass. follow these tips, and you'll soon see yourself banana slapping your peers who outweigh you by tens of pounds, but cant control the fine line of Going Big and crashing before the sun goes down.

SYMPTOM

Hey guess what, you have a mental disorder.



If your first thought was "how did he know", you need to shut the fuck up.
your only disorder is being a whining fucking maggot. The theory remains unreleased because I cant turn around without someone being Bi-Polar, depressed, schizophrenic, narcoleptic, or maybe daddy didnt buy them the right god damn swingset when they were a kid.

Ive found that people who suffer from "Symptom" are immune to rational thought and I currently have no way to break through the fake psychosis that prevents them for accepting responsibility for their dumb fucking mistakes. mistakes happen shithead. I got a DUI, i didnt blame anyone. I didnt blame alcohol, my family, or the police for having the law.

Try explaining this to someone who suffers from Symptom (even though "suffers" really only applies to the people around them) they will railroad themselves into a corner filled with "I Cant" and "You dont understand".

youre wrong, i do understand. I understand youre embarassed because you got drunk and puked all over the bar, then stumbled home and pissed your bed. but the reason it happened doesnt extend any father than "you drank too much". But since you want to blame your alcohol intolerance on stress and delusions of childhood hardship, you can go right ahead and fuck yourself. take it like a fucking man and have a laugh. people get shitfaced, say things they shouldnt, do things they regret, look stupid, and make an ass of themselves all the time. get the fuck over yourself and stop pretending youre some kind of suffering genius to alleviate the fleeting shame of doing something stupid.